I’m not 100% sure why this question is posed at all? I honestly don't even understand its nuances.

From what I have gathered and have a modicum of understanding of why I can’t handle drinking in moderation- is that it is a  BOUQUET of reasons with many, many stems…

• Generational trauma, passed down in my DNA. My ancestral abuse, starvation, and longing is woven through my double helixes, and  I am  merely the carrier of everything I ever was before- as stardust, as energy, as an egg inside a suffering woman’s ovaries.

• Childhood emotional neglect, and coping with emotionally immature parents- this realization or SLOW BURN, became apparent after recognizing patterns in friendships and relationships that weren’t  healthy… and as I  zoomed out (or did I zoom in?) I  found that my first bullies were my fucking parents, and I learned as a child that love and disrespect were one in the same

• Self medicating neurodivergence, and coping with the constant confusion of social norms.
  “So we don’t say what we really mean? We dance around the truth, and indirectly communicate our needs… and doing otherwise makes you rude?” - - - - Alcohol, really fucking helped with this one! Who cares if I tell someone they are being a silly twat,  if I can blame it on alcohol and not the truth (which is I would say that shit to their face sober).

• The human condition in general- How do you navigate how humans live in a way that is so fundamentally inhumane, and stay able to cope without numbing some part of your brain meat? It seems completely batshit to go through life completely lucid, quite honestly! How the fuck do you raw dog consume all of the horrendous bullshit that humans create? –

So in response to the initial question, here is a question- In reading about alcoholism at all, aren’t you searching for meaning in your particular “whys” - You are wondering, “Why do I drink?” You are actively participating in the chase of understanding… and another question, WHY THE FUCK NOT?

I think in practice, trying to truly heal what trauma, or lack of emotional support, or studying healthy coping mechanisms, while actively not drinking does nothing more than give you a MUCH BETTER CHANCE TO SUCCEED and NOT DRINK.  

Implying otherwise, is far too masculine for me, too Capitalistic… too Western Medicine…

Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, treat the sickness not the cause… etcetera.

It’s way too fucking logical, and why would I meet my COMPLETELY ILLOGICAL RELATIONSHIP WITH ALCOHOL WITH STRAIGHT LOGIC and no emotional nuance and expect a good result.

I drink primarily out of avoidance. 

It is the lens that all the other “reasons” are expressed through.

I drink to avoid the intensity of my trauma, to avoid my sadness, to avoid my passion, to numb myself so I can ignore the constant humming. 

Not allowing myself to study and come face to face with what I am avoiding only sets me up to fail when another “uncomfortable” occurrence happens in life.

If I’m merely “not drinking” and not at all doing the soul searching, the hard work… if I am not battling my fucking demons, then I will get right back to drinking when even the smallest turd hits the fan.

Be healed or be killed.

That’s my answer, forget all the other stuff I wrote.

Every single fucking time? Is that an answer- or is the answer supposed to be an actual number?

I never once have had a single drink, not a single time ever ever ever. 

But in order to answer this question, do I need to recall how many times I have drank, so I can answer the question correctly?

Let’s see, I’m 40. I started drinking, right on time at 21… so let’s say I drank almost every day… let’s say it was mostly beer, let’s average out the number to 6ish (that is an understatement) a day…

So, that would be 6,935 times that I experienced not being able to stop drinking at one drink,

(please don’t check my math here you aimless twat, BUT IF YOU MUST-  go ahead and post about it on reddit, and don’t forget to fact check every single leap year).

That would mean that my inability to STOP at one drink led to over 40,000 drinks. Perfect. 

I think I win.

Is the purpose of this question to prove to myself that I have an issue with drinking? I know for sure that I do. I am absolutely, with no question, a binge drinker.

Now that I am sober, I can’t even drink 1/8th of the liquid I drank before, 

How the fuck did I drink 12 beers regularly?

I can’t drink two non-alcoholic drinks in a row without feeling absolutely awful and bloated.

I have tried to replace the alcoholic drinks with beverages that heal; herbal medicinal teas, coconut water and aloe- and I can barely down 12 ounces before I have to pee 24 ounces and take a break.

The only liquid that comes moderately close to alcohol in my consumption is coffee, and even with that I can only drink two cups before I’m bored shitless.

I’m bored shitless. That’s the whole point. 

Nettle and milk-thistle ground together with dandelion leaf is boring the absolute living fuck out of me, and I cannot begin to pretend it is interesting. I foolishly, and (almost romantically)- envisioned me consuming  gorgeous, well thought out  and thoroughly researched  herbal tea blends like a fucking sober fairy, completely replacing my preferred VICE of alcohol with a new, perfectly healthy anti-vice.

I’m smarter than that. I know I cannot be tricked, and I never once believed myself… but I certainly spent $350 to prepare for the “sobering”. Oh goodness, I love it. 

I’m such a goddamn glorious little fool.